A few Octobers ago I ordered a “one size fits most” witch costume online. It showed up in a bag the size of a sandwich, and when I held it up, I could tell from across the room that “most” did not include me. I spent the night before the party hot-gluing a thrifted black…
My sister’s beagle, Biscuit, has worn exactly one full-body costume in his life. It was a $28 hot dog bun with a velcro belly strap, and he lasted about four minutes before flopping onto the kitchen floor like someone had unplugged him. We got one photo, and in it he is looking at the camera…
A few years ago my friend Renee ordered a “one size fits most” witch dress online for $34. It arrived in a bag the size of a sandwich, and when she pulled it over her hips the side seam gave up before the zipper even got to her waist. She spent the party in a…
Two Octobers ago, my friend Dana tried to put her sons in matching Mario and Luigi outfits. Her seven-year-old loved it. Her three-year-old lasted until the first porch, sat down on the sidewalk, and refused to move until someone took the hat off. She ended up carrying him, the hat, and a pumpkin bucket for…
Last October my nephew Mateo, who was nine, wore a store-bought dinosaur costume for exactly forty minutes. Then he handed me the tail, the foam head, and a very honest review: “It’s itchy and I can’t see anything.” I carried a plastic tail around the neighborhood for the next two hours. That’s the night I…
Three years ago, my friend group spent most of September planning a “perfect” group costume. We had a group chat with 14 people, a Pinterest board, and a spreadsheet. By October 20th, six people had quietly dropped out, two had bought something different, and the whole thing fell apart in a flurry of “wait, which…
The year I went as a redhead, I spent $34 on a wig, another $9 on wig caps, and about forty minutes wrestling my long blonde hair flat under all of it. By the end of the night I had a headache, one bobby pin stuck in my scalp, and a photo where you could…
Three Halloweens ago I ordered a $28 blonde wig for a costume I’d been planning for a month. It arrived smelling like a new shower curtain, sat on my head like a helmet, and by 9 PM I had a red line across my forehead and a strong urge to burn it. My natural hair,…
Two years ago I bought my nephew Theo a $38 store-bought costume with a plastic mask, a stiff polyester jumpsuit, and a very confident promise on the packaging. He wore it for eleven minutes. By the third house he was carrying the mask, by the fifth he was carrying the jumpsuit’s top half, and I…
Last October I spent forty minutes in a party store aisle holding a $54 polyester “sassy witch” costume that came with a hat, a belt, and zero pockets. I put it back. Then I drove home and built a better costume out of a black slip dress, a cardigan, and a hat I already owned….